Overaged

Some people are superstitious, this much I know. For instance, the number 13 seems to be basis for a number of popular superstitions. If I were superstitious (which I am not, no matter how many times my foot/nose/palm itches and people tell me I'll walk new ground/kiss a fool/get some money), I might think it was a superstitious event that my older brother died when I was 13, or that my grandpa died the day before my little brother turned 13, or, better yet, I might have a crazy theory about today.

Today, if you'll recall, is the 13th day of October. It's a Tuesday, so there's certainly nothing Friday-like going on, but today is just an odd day. My little brother? The one who is three years older than I, the one who was six or so years removed from my older brother? Yeah, well, today he's exactly two months away from being 17. Which isn't that crazy in and of itself (except that, aww, he's growing up), except that it means that he's officially as old as my older brother was when he died. Several hours older, in fact.

And it feels so funny to be measuring things by hours, after six entire years have separated us from the death of my older brother, but I can only seem to wrap my mind around the hours thing right now.

I remember the day I turned "older" than my older brother. I sort of wanted to vomit, truth be told. It's such a lost feeling, having the laws of nature do that to you. Naturally speaking, when one person is born before another person, they are older than the second-born. But when death switches up the picture, rules like that don't apply. I remember trying to mentally sort out what it even meant, turning older than my elder. I never really came up with a good answer, I guess, and clearly I still can't articulate it very well.

But I'm happy for my younger brother. I'm happy that he and I are friends, much like my older brother and I were. I'm excited for him, that he's been able to walk the paths he's walked, and come out on the other side. Does it weird me out that he's gotten farther in life than my older brother ever did? Yeah. But it doesn't feel like as much of a betrayal to my older brother as I sometimes mused it would be. Because life doesn't follow rules like we think it should. Life happens, and it's only through the strength of the Lord that we're able to make it day by day, even when the days feel like they come completely out of order.

But I guess, when you think about it, that if our steps are ordered by the Lord, than the days in our lives can't really come out of order. Which is a good reminder, since I'm apt to be dramatic about pretty much everything. But with the One Who ordered the Universe on my side, I know that my life is similarly ordered, and as such, I have nothing of which to be afraid.